Personal freedom

WHO'S WATCHING THE WATCHMEN

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 19:55:43 GMT

I did. Afterward I rushed home and watched Dark Knight to be reminded of what a decent comic book film is. To be honest, I think I could've watched the new animated Wonder Woman, Iron Man or the Incredible Hulk movie and enjoyed myself more.

I'm not a comic guy. Never read the Watchmen. But, this "Watchmen" flick. Man, I think the publicity machine has everyone snowed on this one. Where some people see vast Republican or Democratic conspiracies, I see them in Hollywood, with producers talking about how they must post positive reviews on message boards and build hype for these poorly done films so they can recoup the money they've sunk into them.

For me, it was an awkward experience at best. The culmination of marketing as opposed to talent. Poor story timing dogged this film throughout. I went out for two refills in the first 90 minutes. The music selections had this "Forrest Gump" effect without being effective. Some of the most awkward music selections I'd ever seen, really. The acting was stilted and made characters that were supposed to be anti-heroes just uninteresting. The scale on which we are to believe this film to exist just isn't there. I found myself feeling disinterested. Not a feeling I often have in a theater, even with the worst of films. Overall, my impression was tthat his film is epic it's only in its mediocrity.

Don't ask, don't tell, gone?

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:55:38 GMT

Here's a post I never thought I'd be able to make.

I might enlist. When I was about 18, I was going to join the reserves. I realized people would be able to tell I was gay.  I figured it would be a problem. Then I got married, and lots of other things happened.  But I always held it in the back of my head that I could enlist until i was 35. A deadline fast approaching.  I even thought of it during the war.  Did I agree? No, but I thought if I went, maybe I could be one of those people who made a difference.

Now, I've been married for 12 years this October. And it appears that Obama may seriously get rid of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. So, it leaves me wondering.  Would this now be my time?

My fear is losing Marcus.  Although, I would not enlist full time, i would join the Army Reserves.  But with our current military escalations, I'll likely be deployed. So, what do I do?  I know of one person who had this dream.  She was engaged to her girlfriend, and then announced, "Hey, I'm going into the military." Just rolled out on her.  Left her and got stationed away.  Now, see I would only enter the reserves.  Army Reserves or the Coast Guard. A chance to serve. To actually do something for my country.

*hears Lee Greenwood rising to a crescendo in the background"

I would never, ever do this without talking to my husband, and my sponsors. But this to me would be one of the greatest single opportunities of my lifetime. I hope he does repeal it.  If I could go, I would.

Merry Christmas!

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 14:58:25 GMT

Happy Yule, that's my holiday, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. My god, what a year folks!

Truly, I feel like I get Christmas miracles now. This year, to be sober, abstinent, responsible this Christmas, to me, is more amazing than if I'd won the lottery a million times over. I've experienced a series of amazing blessings this year. I've seen my family cared for and taken care of at every turn despite what could've been some really devastating situations. In spite of my best efforts at self-destruction, somehow I've come out of it happy and whole

For some, they have a favorite Christmas Carol or poem, for me, this is what I'm holding dear this holiday season. Most of you aren't like me, but hopefully you will find some peace in these words.

The AA Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not.

They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.

Alcoholics Anonymous p 83-84

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 15:50:21 GMT

Question

If you started a business with claim money the insurance gave you after a fire, would you use this name?

One hand giveth...

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 13:20:14 GMT

We have not said much about the homosexual at all, but we must relate to the homosexual movement because it is a real thing. And I know through reading, and through my life experience and observations that homosexuals are not given freedom and liberty by anyone in the society. They might be the most oppressed people in the society." - Huey Newton, Founder of the Black Panthers

Tonight I watched history unfold, twice.

Barack Obama was elected the nation's first African American president. He got to a position of power because activist judges and the Supreme Courts of the time went against the will of the people, striking down Jim Crow laws and creating a climate that could allow tolerance to build, crescendoing in the inevitable. A man who was African American and who was the most qualified person to run the country became our president in spite of our inherent racism in this country. Make no mistake that racism is somehow gone. Cops will still engage in profiling, Don Imus and others will still make banter about stereotyping groups of people, but we have sent a message as a nation. "Yes We Can."

Wait, WE can, you can't, is the current motto of the nation as I see it. 3 more states passed gay marriage initiatives. That's thirty states. We've become a nation that legislates hatred. To this, I ask a question.

If Brown vs. the Board of Education had been put to a vote, would we have an African American President today? Would about Loving vs. Virginia?

Today's victory is bittersweet. Even the candidate whose campaign was "change" decided that full equal rights was too much change. Somehow, regardless of the fact that the same civil rights pioneers of the 60's whose shoulders they stood upon believed gay rights to be a civil rights issue, these people still are directly allowing inequality to stand as they shout "Change" from the highest of rooftops.

I think the rest of my argument would be better made by these rounds of quotes by Coretta Scott-King, widow of Dr. Martin Luther King.

"I still hear people say that I should not be talking about the rights of lesbian and gay people and I should stick to the issue of racial justice... But I hasten to remind them that Martin Luther King, Jr., said, 'Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere'.... I appeal to everyone who believes in Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dream to make room at the table of brotherhood and sisterhood for lesbian and gay people."¹

"We are all tied together in a single garment of destiny... I can never be what I ought to be until you are allowed to be what you ought to be," she said, quoting from her husband. "I've always felt that homophobic attitudes and policies were unjust and unworthy of a free society and must be opposed by all Americans who believe in democracy."²

"Gays and lesbians stood up for civil rights in Montgomery , Selma , in Albany , Georgia , and St. Augustine , Florida , and many other campaigns of the Civil Rights Movement. Many of these courageous men and women were fighting for my freedom at a time when they could find few voices for their own, and I salute their contributions."³

"We have a lot of work to do in our common struggle against bigotry and discrimination. I say 'common struggle,' because I believe very strongly that all forms of bigotry & discrimination are equally wrong and should be opposed by right-thinking Americans everywhere. Freedom from discrimination based on sexual orientation is surely a fundamental human right in any great democracy, as much as freedom from racial, religious, gender, or ethnic discrimination."⁴

"We have to launch a campaign against homophobia in the black community."⁵

"Homophobia is like racism and anti-Semitism and other forms of bigotry in that it seeks to dehumanize a large group of people, to deny their humanity, their dignity and personhood. This sets the stage for further repression and violence that spread all too easily to victimize the next minority group."⁶

This is not a situation where we can legislate our rights into existence, we're battling hundreds of years of prejudice. It will require another feat of a group of activist judges to force this issue. Until then, enjoy your rights today, because popular opinion might decide you don't have any tomorrow. With the passage of proposition 8, that's the change we face today.

http://www.someone-to-talk-to.net/new_page_93.htm

http://globalwire.blogspot.com/2008/07/huey-newton-on-homosexuality-sexism.html

Donating marrow and other organs

Thu, 22 May 2008 17:00:42 GMT

Hey all,

I went a few weeks ago to donate my marrow. At least get ont he registry. Which is when I got a shock.

Maybe the reason that there aren't more people on the registry is you have to use a credit card and pay $52 for the kit.

Is it selfish to think I shouldn't have to pay? And why isn't their a centralized registry, where you can sign up for blood, kidney, marrow, etc. It seems like it should be more centralized.

Adam

SO I lost my mom today, not literally

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 03:49:35 GMT

SO I lost my mom today, not literally

I spent 4 years in AA. I learned all about addict behavior. NowI’m able to drink successfully.

That being said, I know addict behavior. My mom has a bevy of physical ailments. Osteo-arthritis, osteo-perosis, emphyzema, etc.

So, a few months ago, the last time I did anything remotely addictive regarding substances, I went to my mom. She was always accomodating with her pharmacy. I eventually made the decision, though, that I no longer wanted to do anything that was like that. Now, I have a few drinks, unwind, and have left behind all other behaviors.

So, when my mother told me yesterday that she wanted me to get her morphine prescription filled even though she couldn’t leave the house, I thought little of it. Until I recall the last time she asked I was also getting a few pain pills from her too, and that she had mentioned that my Dad had stopped filling it for her.

He did that because she’s already on Vicodin and Oxycotin. She claims to need it for her knees. She's basically taking pills round the clock, sleeping all day, not bathing and then taking more pills.

So after that I realized I had one way out, I called Pops. I told my Dad she wanted me to get the meds she wanted for her that he had refused. 100 mg of Vidodin and 120 of Oxycotin a day and she wants morphine on top of it. I told my dad.

Now, my mother didn’t disown me when I came out. She didn’t disown me when I married a black man. But now I’m useless. I’ve betrayed her. This is the same woman that dropped every brother she has because of having grudges. If you hurt her, lie to her, you can come back. Make her look like the bad guy... And now, after being the baby for 31 years, and a week before my 32 birthday...

I’m now the Judas. I don’t think I’ve ever considered that she would toss me aside. But truth be told? I lost her a long time ago. She’s been so drugged out for so long I don’t recall what my real mom is even like. So I am mourning. I realize whoever my mom was is long, long gone, and I realize that whoever I was, by doing the right thing, is now dead in her eyes. And I still don’t know if doing the right thing was worth it.

i hate baltimore

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 15:36:34 GMT

http://urlymedia.com/mian/index.php

if you ever ever want to complain about wheree you live, because of the weather or because its boring, i suggest you watch this...

adam

so.... what have i done

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 10:01:30 GMT

i'm not sure if I set something right, or what...

i dalliede around a bit with someone involved a long time ago. i broke it off before i got sober, mostly because he was involved. i justified it because their girlfriewnd was abusive. i'd taken him to the ER with a stab wound, had to postpone visits because of bloody noses he had, etc.

so, fast forward, i discover they are no longer together, and I'm thinking, good times, we can hang out guilt free, etc.

except, now I contact him, and he's married. to a woman and a stepfather, and the first thing he wants is to hook up....

i stopped this so I would never have to be in this position again. being in a "don't ask don't tell" marriage is weird enough, but being an adulterer on two fronts?

no.... but, this time, I could help someone. This poor woman had no idea who she was with....

so I did the only thing I could do, I got him to install messenger.... he is nothing if not predictable....

i made several dates, none of which I kept, with him. we chatted on IM, heavily on my part. i got him to feel comfortable. and I knew one thing, he knew nothing of computers.

we talked about hooking up on myspace, and AIM,and text messaged... and he didnt erase any of them

It took about two weeks but eventually.... he got nailed... by his own words, too, so she knows its the truth, rather than just me trying to tell her to be careful...

So, in the end, have I done something good? Does it make up for my prior indiscretion? I possibly saved a woman from catchng a disease, and a child from losing its mother. I put the brakes on the game of someone who basically feeds off of people, male or female.

I don't know, still don't, if I was seeking revenge or absolution. I'm certain I've attained neither in my actions... but still, someone might be safer for it. I think its one of the few times I put my skills at manipulation to good use...

unfaithful manipulative people

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 21:50:29 GMT

if you're in a relationship, and cheat, why are you the one that gets the sympathy? you heated, you were unfaithful, yet you got your partner feeling sorry for you...

how manipulative is that? and who do you think your feeling

Well, it's been a while

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 07:49:12 GMT

Life has gotten immeasurably better since I last wrote in my LJ. Truth be told, most often, my posts are snippets of me whining out in cyber space because no one in RL wants to hear it anymore.

That, finally, has begun to change. Things are looking up a bit. It all started around five weeks ago. I was, as usual, going through a particularly manic period. All I could do was cycle food through me. It was quite simple, chocolate, caffeine, then salt to equalize. ANd I would repeat the pattern, in increasingly large doses. Add to that the fact I'd just finally gotten sober, and I was a disaster.

So, the decision was made. I surrendered control. I let them all go. I used to eat chocolate on a daily basis. In fact, I can't recall a time in my life where I didn't eat chocolate. Until now.

It's been almost a month since I've had chocolate. I'm about two months sober from drugs and alcohol. The caffeine went away about three weeks ago (had to ween down, then off)    Now the final steps in detoxing this week.

I started on Chantix last week and stopped smoking two days ago. Seriously, Chantix is an awesome drug for smoking cessation. I havve no cravings, no transference. No jittery-ness. I'm just not smoking anymore.

Although, quick sidebar here, when you get into an auto accident because you're smoking, isn't it time to quit, really? Let me set the scene for you.

The time is 23:11, and I'm driving along listening to Big O and Dukes on my iPod. The temperature gage keeps spiking, even though I've just topped off the radiator. As I'm listening to my iPod, I'm smoking a Capri. I had a ritual, check the heat gage, flick the cigarette. Before the accident, I checked the temperature and flicked the cigarette. I looked up and

BAM

I'd drifted over and hit the rear bumper of an 18 wheeler, doing about 90 mph. I swerved left, swerved right and stalled in the middle of the PA turnpike.    And there was NOTHING coming.

Now, that's the good news so far, but then get this. The car, minimal damage for a 70 MPH accident. I lost my front left fender. I was uninjured and the car is completely drivable.

I took it as a sign, and quit for good two days later. I'm done with those damned things.

So now, I need to adjust my protein levels and carbs. I wouldn't worry about the protein levels, had I not just been hospitalized and diagnosed with gout. So yea, full dietary overhaul going on here. Wish me luck!

We're bad otaku...

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 19:35:02 GMT

Okay, anime fans, look at this...

http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/news/2007-09-26/geneon-usa-to-cancel-dvd-sales-distribution-by-friday

Geneon, the people that licensed Hellsing...

Now, my partner posted this...

Well folks,

I'm sure most of you have seen the news about Geneon's DVD sales. If not, check it out here:

http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/news/2007-09-26/geneon-usa-to-cancel-dvd-sales-distribution-by-friday

This is a sad day for anime fans, but this is probably just the beginning. Anime sales have been falling drastically. Some of you may have noticed the anime sections of your local retailers shrinking.

Let's face it guys. The anime industry AS A WHOLE has just gotten too big to support itself. American companies have been licensing almost EVERY new show. Many of these shows are just not very good. We need to send a message to the licensees that they need to be more discriminating about what they buy. Fans won't just buy anything anymore. This business of pre-licensing needs to stop as well. In those cases, the company can get stuck with a show that is horrible!

But there is a catch...

Producing anime has gotten VERY expensive. So expensive that many Japanese producers can no longer afford to finance it on their own. In fact, they are looking to the West to help pay for these shows. However, there are so many producers now that they are canceling each other's profits. There is more product than the market can consume.

The solution, in my opinion, is a market correction. Things are going to get UGLY. Many anime producers and American licensees will fail.

But...

When the dust settles, only the good stuff will remain. The "anime junk" will no longer be made. I encourage everyone to help the companies learn what the "good stuff" is by buying the stuff you really like. And TELL them WHY you didn't buy the crap (but be constructive about it).

Anime will become a niche market again, and that may be a VERY GOOD thing.

Peace,
YaoiBoy

However I think it's much simpler. We're lousy fans. I think anime fans have a habit of taking what they want for free. We'll spend $800 on BJD or on dressing up, hundreds to get to cons and buy fan art and dojinshi but we won't buy the actual damned product. There are a handful of titles that are doing well, and the rest are all failing. Same goes with manga. Manga sales are dropping as well. This means that all Geneon titles are done.

Before you say we're not go to mininova.com and look at the numbers for downloads on trackers. Then go look at sales. They don't match. Then go to any, ANY manga section that has carpeting. And look at how many people are sitting there READING their favorite series. Not buying, just reading. These pople didn't FLOAT to the store, they got there somehow. But yet, they'll say they can't afford it.

Well, now you won't be able to afford it. The market is beginning to dry up because we're buying Uke/Seme paddles, corn t-shirts and downloadint the stuff for free.

And that, is our fault...

Thoughts?

So.. its done

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 06:09:57 GMT

my entire bunch of collectibles, my car... all have been put on the auction block. The car got 1700, fairly good for a car I'm certain is somehow a refurbished flood car that got wiped off the books. If you cae to look my ebay name is appelprater

Now that my life is in 26 lots on the auction slab I'm going to bed...

really bad...

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 16:06:00 GMT

that's how things are. A foreclosure notice. But it's alright/ I'm pulling us out of it as we speak. A few minor discomforts, plus selling everything we own on eBay, should clear it all up.

Seriously though, I'm glad all this is almost over. I start some vocational training, whcih will allow me to make a steady income. So, yeah, not great, but its ust a matter of time!

Question for you, otaku

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 22:36:50 GMT

Name your top three
favorite anime theme songs?

Adam

conventions and the like

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 02:26:29 GMT

sad, really... friends with so moany people who go to them. and this year... I made it to one, and that looks like it for the year... no dragoncon, no yaoicon...and all the friends who i only get to see once a year...

yea, you get the picture..

so, this is a level of suckosity. Not really happy about it but not much i can do.. we're a hare's breath away from losing... everything.

My first day

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 06:06:13 GMT

Well, it went pretty damned well. Didn't binge, food was at 1400 calories. I am pretty happy.

Adam

This is the last day of our acquaintance...

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 05:20:02 GMT

Today I got more health news.

I was diagnosed with secondary osteoarthritis. This can only be cured by radical and permanent weight loss. Otherwise I will wind up like my own mother. In fact that's almost the exact road I'm heading down.
Mom always ate what she wanted, smoked a pack a day and didn't exercise at all. I followed the exact same pattern, even as far as what i binge on.

And now, at 31, I am already experiencing what didn't hit her until her late fifties early sixties.

So now I have, in order of diagnosis.

Emphysema
Fatty Liver
Calcified Lymph node
Inoperable Brain Tumor
Hietal Hernia
Osteoarthritis

THis is happening all because I chose how I lived. And I didn't do a thing to stop bad behaviors. So, I am, at 31, forced to grossly re-evaluate how I live and change it, or otherwise face rapid advanced agin and debilitating illness.

So, it's suggested that I

A) take no form of tylenol
B) the ephendrine has to go too
C) no more all nighters
D) no more energy drinks, lattes, and gratuitous amounts of caffeine
E) no more sugar, especially chocolate, because I'm such an addict I can't stop eating it once I start.
F) Exercise and get Nicole Ritchie skeletally thin.
G) regardless of alcoholism, never drink again.
H) reduce strain and impact by driving less. IE I'm out of a job very soon.
I) No more Nutra-Sweet.

Now , why all the changes? The caffeine and energy drinks contribute to my cravings for more sugar and chocolate. Also, dehydration is another linkage to the arthritis.

Tylenol and booze, obviously are affecting the liver. The exercise is absolutely necessary to assist witht he weight loss. The job and constant driving have to go.

The Nutra Sweet- check out the documentary Sweet Misery.

So, basically tonights my last night of eating whatever I want. Freom now on, it's a regimented 1800 calorie a day diet. Or heart disease, liver failure and knee replacement before I'm 50.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 14:34:21 GMT

uggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

Exhaustion reigns supreme. Three days with virtually no sleep. About 2 hours last night. Worst part is my homework is all done.

This is all done to help someone else. I'm not even sure why. I have a tendency to go out of my wayf or this person. But, its like, I don't know.

Come to think of it, I do this with everyone. Its just this has been particularly exhausting...now i have to go act on camera for a few hours.

In other news, check out www.flexcar.com. Might be my solution to many issues. If I can do this, I could get rid of my car, use the money from the sale of it to buy a new camera and simply drive here for the next two years using this...

If I am understanding how this works.

Adam

I am so clueless...

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 13:32:14 GMT

I really have no idea how to deal with so many things...

owning this house, for example, is really hard. I see it falling into disrepair and I think we'd lose money if we tried to sell it. and that doesn't even begin to underscore the decisions i gotta make.

a) this whole delivery driver bullshit. its wreaking havoc on the car and I got a minimum of 15 months left of working. time to find a job that doesn't involve driving.
b) too undisciplined. nothing gets done. i've owned a guitar for 3 weeks and marcus has played it more than i have.
c) if youw ant to own a house, make time to clean it.

I have no idea how to start owning up to my own life. not only that, immersing myself in these responsibilities seems to distract me tot he point where i get nothing, literally nothing done creatively. but okay, how much do i get done creatively now? I'm basically running roughshod through all my classes, taking away only an academic success from them, as opposed to actually learning something. i took color theory, and while there was a lot to learn, i spent hte las ttwo weeks cramming.

whats at the center of all these problems?

me...

shit, maybe its time to just get in line with a decent cbt (cognitive behavioral therapist) as opposed to talking about my feelings, i walk in each week and make plans, find ways to change certain behaviors. i did it once before and was fairly successful until i... stopped doing anything

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 01:09:56 GMT

Ok, let me set the scene.

There is a young man who started out selling his paintings over a year ago online. I bought a few and we chatted. He has shown me his writings and later on edited a book of... thug erotica.

Anyway, today, he IM'ed me because of course he had something to promote. It's been a long time since he's IM'ed me when it wasn't to promote something.

So, he asked me to review a poem. I told him that I would be honest, and that in the past I've been downright unforgiving. He begged me not to be so I said its best I dont do it.

So, after I read it, I told him what I thought of it. I wasn't thrilled. Still, he asked me to post a comment. So, after that, I offer to you the exchange we had.

Adam Appel (6/6/2007 10:33:34 AM): Im good hows it going?
teen (6/6/2007 10:33:39 AM): good
teen (6/6/2007 10:33:47 AM): just checkin in its been a minute
teen (6/6/2007 10:34:07 AM): will you join me and my boyfriends new site
teen (6/6/2007 10:34:11 AM): www.n***.net
teen (6/6/2007 10:34:13 AM): its free
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 10:38:37 AM): man...
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 10:38:43 AM): do you ever just IM me to say hi
teen (6/6/2007 10:39:27 AM): lol
teen (6/6/2007 10:39:30 AM): yes
teen (6/6/2007 10:39:36 AM): i really did miss u
teen (6/6/2007 10:45:34 AM): when you join reply to my poem in the thug lounger
teen (6/6/2007 10:45:39 AM): thug lounge
teen (6/6/2007 10:45:54 AM): called love me enough
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 10:46:35 AM): you know I'll be merciless, you sure?
teen (6/6/2007 10:47:10 AM): o please be nice this one time
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 10:47:15 AM): No
teen (6/6/2007 10:47:24 AM): u havent even read it though
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 10:47:31 AM): I'm sorry, if you're gong to atttempt to write, you must be prepared for honest criticism
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 10:47:45 AM): I'm simp[ly saying, i will review it honestly,
teen (6/6/2007 10:47:52 AM): well i want you to get the point of my words
teen (6/6/2007 10:47:57 AM): not correct my grammer
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 10:49:56 AM): Reudell.... grammar is an essential part of writing, and large chuinks of the world will ignore you if you do not know how to use and manipulate it properly. The rest of them will just laugh at you. THe I'm 17 thing will only go so far
teen (6/6/2007 10:50:43 AM): but this is just a web site
teen (6/6/2007 10:50:51 AM): not a essay site
teen (6/6/2007 10:51:01 AM): slag is welcome on the site
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 10:51:05 AM): But you never, ever set a styandard
teen (6/6/2007 10:51:12 AM): but i dont think there is any in the poem anyway
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 10:52:10 AM): Slang, is fine, no one is referrring to slang.
teen (6/6/2007 10:52:41 AM): but my spellin is correct i believe
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 11:04:57 AM): Ok, I read the poem
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 11:05:30 AM): Well, its more like free form poetry. I definitely get the sentiment and the cuz and stuff are appropriate. But Its almost... too wordy?
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 11:06:31 AM): When you're laying yourself out there, you want to use few words, sparse. A more compacted and broken writing might make more sense when trying to express the anger
teen (6/6/2007 11:12:56 AM): o i see
teen (6/6/2007 11:13:27 AM): u gonna leave a comment on the site?
teen (6/6/2007 11:13:35 AM): please be a active member
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 11:13:36 AM): oh ok
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 8:36:32 PM): Well I did as you asked
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 8:36:40 PM): I wasnt harsh, but I was honest
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 8:37:12 PM): Let me know once you read it
teen (6/6/2007 8:40:30 PM): will u please just delete it
teen (6/6/2007 8:40:32 PM): plz
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 8:41:12 PM): Dude...
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 8:41:15 PM): whyd you ask
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 8:41:32 PM): Look, I guess your just a kid
teen (6/6/2007 8:41:40 PM): i guess so
teen (6/6/2007 8:42:44 PM): plz just take it off
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 8:43:00 PM): But you know what, it stands, I think your cool but ... grow up a little. if you cant take the treatment I just gave you, you need to do something that doesnt involve the arts, like customer service, because you'll always have a critic
Adam Appel (6/6/2007 8:43:17 PM): im out

Now for the poem and review

Enough is never enough,
u can never say i miss you enough,
or i love you enough.

I miss you,
and I love you.
Took three seconds to say but no time to forget.

Cuddled up for hours on a weekend visit,
spending time actually talking to me,
holding me,
and learning more about me as I learn about you,
Took one night to do,
now that memory will last forever.

Harsh yelling, cursing, and disrespect to me, the one you love,
their words never came so easy,
yet my tears never fell so fast,
while selfishness fills his arrogant heart you forget about the love u have for me,
yet my heart wonders,
where are the apologies, the ........... love, is it gone?
if so , was it true, and if it is how could it leave so easily.

Just like the others you come to say you love,
but when I ask where is my piece you hide it as if none of for me,
leaving my heart cracked with scar's of resentment,mistrust and anger.

I thought you where here to save me from the long night crying of never having a love,
but you got me here crying cuz Ive fallin in love,
and it hurts,
hurts to see that sometimes u don't even realize what I would do for you,
I had no expectations coming in to this,
but now I'm feeling doubts,
i must confess to this.

Just give me love and ill share mine with u,
a piece of your heart, ill give u some of mine too,
your good night kiss's, ill blow u some too,
Just love me boy ,the way I love you.

and my review

which was, btw tempered with patience...

You asked me twice to review your poem, even after I mentioned that I wasn't sure you'd want to hear what I have to say, so here goes.

There is a lot of raw emotion poured into this, and its probably its saving grace. Alternately, the poem gets too wordy, and even in a lot of words you still dont get the impact you need.

I think the emotion you put into it would be well spent in learning the structure of poetry. Even in simple verse, such as this, the impact of words is immeasurable. You need to learn to use them more effectively. You could cut out half the words in this and be left with a cutting, concise poem. As it stands now, it just says you have a good start and a long way to go. I hope you actually take those steps.

wish i had more to report

Mon, 21 May 2007 16:06:24 GMT

I have casual observations, which I'm sure are of little or no interest to anyone. however, things are going well. I'm thinking of how the hell to get a camera. I think I'm going to ask my bosses if I can film a commercial for them. I won't do it for free, though. Done doing pro bono projects. Internships, sure, but I'm not scraping together a porfolio with free work anymore.

So what els eis happening in Adamland? Well, creative writing is forcing me to actually work on and finish one of my own short stories. Which is odd, I normally let everything sit and then go.. procrastinate until I'm convinced I can't write it. No choice now. IN week one we're forced to submit our idea and I committed to a story idea I've wanted to work on for a few weeks. Something of an urban legend, but still, it gives me a dramatic platform I think i can work with.

The problem is I think the length has to be 30 pages and i have 3 weeks left. It will be due, final draft by June 10th. And I'm journaling, of all things.

But, hey why not? I enjoy journaling, when I'm not whining. I stopped journaling because even I got tired of my crap. All i had to say was what was going wrong. I was either depressed or drastically upset. Some form of chaos.

That isn't what I see in front of me anymore. I hope its a permanent change but i can't guarantee anything. But i've been happier the past three weeks than I have been in a few years. So, thats a nifty change.

Well as soon as I have actual news I'll update this again.

Worst wake up call ever

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 16:11:30 GMT

I fell asleep today on the interstate and rear ended a car. Fortunately, their car was not damaged. Mine was, my license plate especially getting mangled. I think I've gotten a wake up call.

See I slept four hours in the past two days. I keep overextending myself. Given my recent track record, having been sick most of April and eventually being hospitalized with pneumonia, I should've taken it all as a sign.

The illness and my weakened immune system resulted in two things. For an entire semester, I would get to Pennsylvania and force myself to pull an all nighter. Because working as a driver/shift manager at Pizza Hut and being married, I knew I could get the work done in a short time and have time for everything else.

Had we not been driving at 10 miles an hour today because everyone else was staring at another accident where someone rear ended a group of marines on the opposite side of the roadway, I would've wrecked my car.

As it is, I think I have to tender my resignation at Pizza Hut. Effective really soon. I have a sushi restaurant I can work at. All I would have to do there is answer phones and deliver food two nights w eek. 30 hours a week at school home and the Hut isn't working. For the past month its had me sick as hell. Pulling an all nighter after not sleeping to finish my workload was a silly mistake. One I don't think I'll be repeating...

How valid are online relationships?

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 18:21:58 GMT

I have begun to really question the validity of online friendships. A hobbled together collection of people you would've never met in real life and can't even be there for in any real way when it matters.

A good example of this is how lives afall apart. Where is the last place most people go? Online. WHy would you go to someone in another state?

I think the reason I bring this up is I have way many more online relationships. Strings of names strewn together from a group of people I don't even know would speak to me on a regular basis. And is this helping or hurting us?

Realistically, I have say, 30 friends online. However, out of them, 4 are people I know and lok forward to seeing. TWO of them on a regular basis. The other two I see once a year. For minutes.

Out of the thirty online friends, and in real life, I got 3 people who wished me a happy birthday. Even though our myspace's and our LJ's remind us of these things daily.

And I wonder, what is the point? These insincere relationships consisting of voice clips that last for 15 seconds.

Here's a good example. I have this online friend. She and I see each other once a year, at convention. She gets embarassingly drunk,a nd makes claims George Noory would love to hear. We exchange LJ and MYspace and Yahoo and AIM, and I go home beliving I've "made a friend"

Except this completely insincere person proceeds takes this information and then everytime I say hello, they are just leaving. Ok, what am I missing? YOu were on the ground weeping last time I saw you, as you get every year we hang around, yet you won't speak to me online.

Now, let me give a little proviso here, I look to my online friends for way more support than anyone should. Why? I don't know. I don't trust people in real life. I think everyone's insincere really. I guess I assume the people who do speak to me online, at least if not sincere, have as much time on their hands as I do. I always know when I've lost one. They stop coming online. I wonder if I've been blocked by any of them.

Favorite new poem

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 07:18:47 GMT

We who are
your closest friends
feel the time
has come to tell you
that every Thursday
we have been meeting,
as a group,
to devise ways
to keep you
in perpetual uncertainty,
frustration,
discontent and
torture
by neither loving you
as much as you want,
nor cutting you adrift.
Your analyst is
in on it,
plus your boyfriend
and your ex-husband;
and we have pledged
to disappoint you
as long as you need us.
In announcing our
association
we realize we have
placed in your hands
a possible antidote
against uncertainty
indeed against ourselves.
But since our Thursday nights
have brought us
to a community
of purpose
rare in itself
with you as
the natural center,
we feel hopeful you
will continue to make unreasonable
demands for affection;
if not as a consequence
of your disastrous personality,
then for the good of the collective.

-Phillip Lapote